X, my experience with my abuser

TW: SEXUAL, EMOTIONAL, MENTAL ABUSE


“X”
This is about my experience with abuse.
I was sexually, mentally, and emotionally abused by someone I thought was my friend. I’m coming out with this for many reasons.
First, I’d like to thank the women that had come out about their sexual abusers in the past year or so. It has made me realize I am not alone.
Second, I’m back in the city where it happened to me and I recently saw him after years of not seeing him. It’s forced me to relive the past, and as much as it has hurt I’ve now been able to start the healing process of what happened to me.
Third, to hold him accountable. To have him know I’m not going to stay quiet about this anymore. To not let him attempt to write our story with what he’s told people. I’m no longer going to sit back and cringe as he tells people “We should of ended up together. She meant so much to me. It hurt me that she got away.”. Our story was never one about romance.
Lastly, to make sure he doesn’t do this to anyone else.


It started in 2012/2013.
I had just broken up with my long term boyfriend. We had issues that we couldn’t work out and decided to break up. I moved in with my family, which at the time they lived with my grandma in a smaller place and took care of her because she had Alzheimers,  my sister became pregnant, and I had to start my life over.
The owner of the comic shop I was working at decided he wanted to grow the marketing department and gave the Marketing Manager an assistant, I became that assistant.  I was so excited about this. It was at that time right after my break up and I had the fuel to do something more with myself and felt like I had something to prove, I was eager to do something more to prove I didn’t need my ex-boyfriend. I was also very vulnerable at this time.
My new manager, we’ll call him “X”. X acted like my friend, he was there for me during my break up, listened. Then one day while we were having a conversation about my break up the topic of our intimacy came up, he got closer, put his hand on my hip, and lower. He kissed me, and invited me to his place during our lunch break, I said yes (He lived right next to our work behind a fast food place).
Immediately, he starts to take off my clothes. I can’t stop shaking, I couldn’t say anything but “I’m nervous, I’m nervous, I’m nervous.” I couldn’t look at him. Then he slaps my face. I couldn’t do anything after that. I let it all happen and went straight to work after. I wanted to forget, without giving details, there wasn’t an ounce of love in what just happened to me.


Later that night, He brought his girlfriend over to our work. They were in a polyamorous relationship, she knew about us. Me and X worked late, as I went into the backroom he followed me. Pushed me up against the wall and started taking off my clothes, I said “No, please, your girlfriend is right there I’m not comfortable with it.” He said “I want to show you to her.” I said no, over and over again. He grabbed both my wrists and pulled me into the other room where she was at. She saw me and said “You’re beautiful, but no.”


I ran out of the room, grabbed my clothes, I was so humiliated. X stayed behind to talk to his gf and I was left alone crying. He eventually came to find me and apologized.


I never recovered from that day.


For months, this kind of behavior continued. I would tell him I didn’t want to anymore, and he would make comments like “Okay, I’ll just go after your friends then, how about the minions?” (Minions is what we called the students we’d hire that were part of a highschool program.)


He actually did go after my friends. I spoke to a couple about it recently.


He would pressure me into having sex with him when we were working. If I didn’t want to, he’d be a completely nightmare to work with. He’d be incredibly judgmental about what comics I decided to read, what food I was eating, or who I was friends with. It got to the point where I’d eat somewhere else or only bring vegan food, I’d only read the books he’d like, or only talk to him about my girl friends, he did not like my male friends.
I was losing myself around him without realizing it. I just didn’t want to deal with him being angry at me.


I always felt angry at him. But he was my friend, we had our jokes, we had days were got along great, this is what made the bad days so difficult and confusing.


I started to try to distance myself from him and started dating. I planned on going on a date after work and brought a change of clothing with me. My shift was over so I went to the bathroom to get changed. I came out all dressed up and ready to go. X stopped me and asked me where I was going looking like that. I told him a date and they were waiting for me outside. He didn’t let me go…he had to mark his territory. This is one of the deepest memories I have of saying no, and it not meaning anything. I got into my date’s car feeling disgusted with myself.


These type of incidents happened for months.


X ended up moving from Tucson to LA, and I got back to with my Ex-boyfriend.


I still kept communication with him. Somewhere in this I found a logic that if I could be his friend, I could see the good in him and wouldn’t feel so bad about what has happened. Maybe it’ll even go away.
But it always got twisted. He would say things like “we should of ended up together, I would stop being poly for you, you love me” I wouldn’t ever believe any of it. I thought of it as a joke, why would we treat someone he loved like this? Is this a friend?
I fell into the same habits again.
He’s so nice to me, I’ll ignore his dick pics this time.
He’s helped me with job references, okay, I guess I’ll let him masturbate on the phone when it was supposed to be our catch up talk.
He made me feel out of control and guilty.


But, he was my friend, he’s nice to me, sometimes.


It wasn’t till over a year ago after he bragged about meeting the parents of his underage student he was planning on sleeping with. (He was teaching writing classes at a comic shop/showroom in LA, it’s now closed down)


I decided to cut him out of my life.


That’s when I realized how much I was being manipulated and abused. I still have trouble saying rape.


I feel like I never had the chance to have control. Which was one of the things I had the most trouble understanding. I was in a spot in my life where it felt I had absolutely no control over anything, I was just trying to survive.
Why couldn’t I just say “No” more.
Years of not saying “No”, loud enough.
Years of not understanding why “No” didn’t work, maybe it didn’t sound like I meant it.
Maybe it didn’t matter, and this was “just X”, this is how he is and I have to deal with it?


He got angry at me when I got engaged, said he was hurt that he had to find out online and that I should of emotionally prepared him.

Cut to summer 2018:
Moved back to Tucson


He calls me twice, both obviously a butt dial.
So I text him, let him know he keeps calling.


He says sorry and asks how I’m doing and tells me that he’s going to be a guest at Tucson Comic-con.
I haven’t seen him in years. I’m a guest this year too, my anxiety and memories start coming back.
Privately, I begin the process of confronting with this for the first time.


Tucson Comic-con, I see him and his new girlfriend, we hug and say hi. He refuses to shake Logan’s hand(my husband).


I was very busy and stayed away from his area. People know us as friends and from when we worked at the comic shop, they keep talking about us and memories, I’m in hell. He also came out with a new book from Vertigo, so that was something that I was surrounded by.


Last day of the con, his girlfriend comes up to me and tells me “Hey, I just wanted to say again it was really nice to meet you and X has always said that you’re someone that’s very important to him and has meant a lot, he’s had nothing but nice things to say about you. So it was really nice to finally meet you.” It was incredibly sincere and nice.


But this got me angry, I was livid. Of course he’s not going to say anything bad about me. He’s tried to manipulate the situation. That what he went through with me was…nice? WHAT ABOUT ME. Where’s my say?


Here is it.


You’re an awful person, you were never my friend.
You’re not going to paint this story into “the one that got away”
You never had me, you hurt me, manipulated me, you took advantage of me, you’re an abuser and I feel sorry for you.
You’re not going to do this again.


I’ve spoken to other girls recently that have experienced abuse and/manipulation from X.
When they were vulnerable, susceptible, and some were even underage.
I’m so grateful for them, it’s helped me tremendously getting through this.


He works in the comic book industry and I want this to be a warning for those he works with and around.
3 days ago, I sent him a very long email about what he did to me. It was basically this post.
He responded in less than 5mins. He apologized, said he remembers things differently, and he’ll never see me at any of the same conventions, and he’ll remove me from all social media’s, and he’s there if I need to talk.
It took him less than 5 mins to read, process, and respond to a very long detailed letter. It took me months, and many rewrites to figure out how to say what I wanted to. Reliving it all, having to go to therapy, having to tell my family and friends about this, talking to the other women he’s hurt, and he barely skimmed through it.


Later that day he removed himself from all his social media’s except Twitter.
I feel lucky that I’ve had an incredible support system. My husband, my family, and friends.
I know I put on this happy demeanor, this has been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever gone through. I’m getting the help that I need.


I hope with this, like many other women that have come out about their abusers we could make a change and hold more and more men accountable.

Comments

  1. I'm so sorry Cynthia!!! I had no idea X was like that at all but immediately lost all respect for him. I'm so glad you had the courage to speak up and help others avoid that horrible feeling you had to experience.

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  2. I'm so sorry you've had to go through this, and then relive it countless times. Thank you for coming forward. It's important that we call them oro and hold them accountable.

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  3. from the bottom of my heart I am so sorry that you had to experience this, but i'm not here to give you sympathy i'm here to applaude your courage and bravery for finally coming out and sharing your story. You realized your self worth and im so happy you wrote this. whoever stumbles upon my comment please seek help if you are in a similar situation. I wish you and your loved ones a happy and long life.
    YOU GO GIRL!!!!!1

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  4. That's deeply upsetting to see someone that terrible hurting and abusing and preying on people like you and others. So glad you have such courage and strength to have persevered and gotten the chance to tell your story, I really hope justice is served

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  5. I’m so sorry for everything you’ve gone through and for what you’re going through now having to relive the fear, loss of control over your life and the sadness that comes from the realization of thinking someone is your friend only to find out he’s an abusive selfish man preying on someone who trusted him. I know you, you’re strong, you’re talented, you’re beautiful and you are wise and have grown in spite of all the horrific and horrible things he did to you and how he tried to make you feel about yourself. Never second guess yourself or your judgement, he was the one that tried to use all your amazing qualities, trust and friendship for his on wants. You are strong, loved and believed!♥️

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  6. Thank you, so much, for speaking up. I'm so sorry that you went through this; and that you've had to watch this asshole gaining prominence in the meantime.

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  7. Thank you so much for your story, it helps in ways you couldn't imagine.

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  8. I’m sorry this happened to you. I hear these stories too much these days. It makes me pretty angry honestly to know there are so many men running around behaving like this. I hope what you just wrote inspires others to come forth, and I hope that other decent men out there don’t tolerate “locker room” talk or the bragging types. Maybe if a few real men let these guys know this is NOT okay they’d think twice before ever doing this again.

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  9. Thank you. Hopefully some good can from this so that other young women won't have to face similar situations. Are you a supporter of Comicsgate?

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    1. this is not the time or place to recruit people for movements that aren't anti-sexual harassment focused

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  10. Been there, different creep. It took me decades to admit "he raped me" to myself. I made up so many scenarios where this wasn't the case, we got engaged at one point (I was going to normalize this somehow). Don't back down. Don't let anyone tell your story for you.

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    1. Rather than focus on my disgust, I'll refocus on praying for your healing and peace of mind for sex abuse all victims. All my best to you.

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  12. You give me hope. I stand with you.

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  13. So what we have here is your typical example of when two sets of retard parents have kids and don't raise them with boundaries. One (male) turned into a sociopath. The other (female) a victim addict. Both retards. Both carrying on in the world with their malformed personalities. Both children ended up growing up and working together . Now they got worry. All because Bush Sr. and Clinton did jack shit to make abortion more accessible and affordable in the late 80s and early 90s.

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    1. You’re an idiot and your brand of idiocy is dangerous when spread around like this. Think about the opportunity you had to contribute something here and think about what you chose to do instead. Who makes up the audience for your comment? What were you hoping to achieve?

      A human being is in pain and sharing that pain with a constructive goal. You’ve dishonoured that and I very much hope you feel badly about it.

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    3. "Who makes up the audience for your comment? What were you hoping to achieve ?"

      See. This is the stark divide. Unlike you two and myself , I don't "write" for an audience. I have no expectation of saccharine
      congratulations and hive mind backpatting in this narcissistic group think ghetto for the children raised in the mythology of human exceptionalism fairytales.
      To oversimplify , those two fucktards deserved each other and their outcomes. Although they didn't deserve to be raised by invertebrates.

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    4. Careful you don't cut yourself on all that edge.

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    5. You’re broken and that must make it difficult to feel appreciated by the world at large. But you seem to have a keenness for analyzing people and their issues so perhaps you can begin your healing process by turning inward and figuring out why you believe your opinions to be worth more than silience in a situation like this one.

      Acknowledging that you both expect and want an audience will be a good place to start. You’re not writing provocative and inflammatory comments like this for your own private collection.

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    6. The “butt-dialing” incident confuses me.

      You had just previously stated that you didn't want to interect w/him.

      Instead of texting him about the “accidental”dialing, why didn't you just block his cell/landline number?

      It is these kinds of responses to continued agression on X's part that inspire V-is-P's viewpoint.

      And, having worked with Vets in PTSD, robbery, mugging, and rape victims, I admittedly find V-is-P's position on the root of the matter quite possibly (probably?) a contributing factor. W/o more information and meeting w/both people, I cannot judge how much a contribution it might be.

      I do empathize. I feel sorry that during your formative years you weren't taught the skills to manage your life better... but it isn't too late to go and seek out those skills. If you lack them in this category of life you almost certainly lack them elsewhere.

      Don't let yourself become a victim in any other way! It is more satisfying to win, but it takes preparation. Go arm yourself, and go get 'em.



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    7. Her feelings about this guy were far, far more complicated than some dumbass gun nut on the internet will ever be able to appreciate without going through a similar experience. Really, no one can without a similar experience. But one thing that you really aren't grasping in particular is that people like this woman don't go through society with constant messages telling them that all it takes is a gun and someone bad enough to fire it at and suddenly their (finally) the hero of their own action movie. Which is one way you're lied to, not by "(((them)))" but by movie producers and the NRA who can sell you shit by cultivating that attitude. The bottom line here is two things: one, the human mind is a terribly ineffective organ, at times, which spirals into mental illness and irrstional thought. No one is to blame for this happening, this is something X did to his victims, deliberately. Two, physically fighting back is rarely the answer. Not because it's morally wrong (though this woman is completely justified if that's how she feels), but because the "good guys with guns" dont always win in real life. She could fuck up and make things worse. Or she could succeed, kill someone she once thought was a friend and who otherwise completely confused her perspective of him, worsening her own mental health and potentially seeing her prosecuted.

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  14. I admire your bravery and strength.

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  15. I wish you courage and strength. I once fled an abusive relationship and moved across multiple states to escape. It can be shocking how effective some people are as manipulative predators. But it sounds like over time you found that strength you needed, which is great.

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